Dear every flavor of Oreo,
You’re still one of my favorite cookies. Don’t worry. The slightly salty taste of your chocolate cookies will always hook my savory palate. But I can no longer simply grab you off the shelf. There’s a level of trust that is gone. We love your mint, and the Double Stuf is amusing, though a bit too much of a reminder of your gluttonous ways. But you’ve lost your way. Lemon Twist was even acceptable, though if we’re honest with each other it was a pale imitation of the Girl Scout cookies we all know they wanted to be. But of late, you’ve lost yourself. Your flavors range from ironically amusing to sugary sandwich atrocity.
This is a dessert that is rarely edible at the best of times. The folly you must possess to try and harness the flavor of sugar into a cookie filling, well, the hubris is astounding. An artificial candy corn flavor is a half-step away from harnessing the power of Halloween through Loose Raisin and Handful of Penny Oreos. As a friend and sometimes love, please stop. I care, but you’re only hurting yourself.
And Birthday Cake,
You do realize that while Candy Corn tasted like sugar, Birthday Cake tastes like sugar and Play-Doh. Have I hurt you in the past? If I’ve done something wrong, please tell me. But lashing out like this won’t solve anything. And I admit I still have Hydrox in my address book. Don’t get jealous, you know I never delete old contacts.
Sweet, Golden Vanilla. You certainly do know how to make up after a fight. I don’t know why you toyed with those other flavors, this proves that you know how to hit the sweetness hard without crossing over into cloying. Let’s never fight again.
What the fuck? This passive aggressive shit isn’t cute. It was never cute. I don’t know what happened to you at work, or what you think I did, but I don’t deserve this. No one deserves this. I think we need couples counseling.
Is this supposed to be cute? Do you think dressing up as yourself on Halloween is meta and clever? You’re a cookie and creme sandwich. Now you’re pulling some weird, recursive limited edition? I don’t understand you anymore.
I think we both know where things are going. You probably need some time to yourself, figure out who you are at your core. I get it, you’re experimenting, and pumpkin spice will definitely win you friends. But are those people the ones who you want close to you? Just, think about it.
I love you. I think we both know this will end in tears, but just take me.