A Night in Valhalla, Shiny and Gold: War Boy Calls the Oscars

This entry is part 1 of 4 in the series Oscars


Ravin, I am named, once War Boy for Immortan Joe on the road to Valhalla, till his being torn to gobbits. Imperitor Furiosa gave War Boys a choice, the desert or taking up a new life. Ravin can’t drink sand. Ravin scouts far, Ravin reports what his eyes see and ears hear, Ravin explains the outside to pups too young for tats or grease. So Ravin comes to tell of The Oscars, a battle tween the story of Furiosa and other stories for wards of gold.

Many battles there be, biggest is easy won by Imperitor Furiosa on The Fury Road. What’s to stand her down? The Martian could “Science the shit out this.” but it will serve him nothing. Revenge, cold, ice, hairy monsters, The Revenant is our world without sand and less myth. Heartwarm, some say is needed. Art must be provided. Spotlight has Art, story bright. Much more than The Big Short or Bridge of Spies, the pups would have no listening if I went after those at the fire. Heartwarm, Brooklyn and Room have nuff but could any stand to Art of silence and spectacle of Fury Road? Or the HeArtwarm of Nux’s redemption?


All the War Boys are shiny and pale so Ravin sees nothing different in The Oscars. Idris Alba was manifest destiny at SAG for Beasts of No Nation giving the big piss to all the mediocre who said the best were on the list. But the historic fix is made and now world is made right. All is shiny and chrome, right? Next year all will be smooth as barrel of a gun, all the colors of the world happy with their water carried? Witness!!! Ravin is not holding his breath.

Since no actor that leads comes from our story I care not who takes wards. Eddie Redmayne (The Danish Girl) was Art like Bryan Cranston (Trumbo). If Ravin needed a brain to keep him alive he would want The Martian, (Matt Damon) or Steven Jobs (Michael Fassbinder). Leo does shine, he fought hard a monstrous beast, gained his revenge and wasn’t mediocre in The Revenant. The ward is his.

Why was the glorious and brave Imperitor Furiosa not chosen for lead actress? They have no use for a woman who can shoot out the lights? Fight with one hand? Who can take the story completely away from the titled man? MEDIOCRE! Cate Blancett (Carol) and Charlotte Rampling (45 Years) do Art and Saoirse Ronan (Brooklyn) and Jennifer Lawrence (Joy) do Heartwarm. Heartwarm is all about actress of lead so I care not. Just give ward to Brie Larson (The Room) for much Heartwarm.

RAVIN CONFESSES! The bloodbag is warded but not for the glory that is Fury Road and he is the scummy who leaves Leo behind. Grand stories are nothing without evilish to goodish, so Tom Hardy shines fine but the world is bigger. Mark Ruffalo is Art from Spotlight but everyone in the movie were gloryful so no one gets ward. Christian Bale (The Big Short) amuse and Mark Rylance was Art. The Heartwarm is all on Creed. The old man, all crumply and words, making a shiny warrior. For supporting and Heartwarm Ravin says Sylvester Stallone is warded.


Ravin says the same about Rachel McAdams (Spotlight), all Art, all shine, all speared like Ruffalo. Rona Mara (Carol), Kate Winslet (Steve Jobs) and Alicia Vikander (The Danish Girl) are all Art. Jennifer Jason Leigh was not mediocre in Hateful Eight. She would have been a fine and spiteful sister warrior to Furiosa. Ravin says think, the story circled completely around her. That’s support, so she gets the ward.

Who is the master of a story? The shepherd who pushes it forward for ten maxi years, who chooses magi mad pure effects, what you see is what you get, with a story like a bullet that shoots around corners? For the Heartwarm is Lenny Abrahmson (The Room), Tom McCarthy (Spotlight) has the Art which might be the chance to give this story is ward but no, Alejandro G. Iñárritu (The Revenant) did his share of maddy, driving his crew to the deep annihilator edge. Adam Mckay (The Big Fix) made laughs. It is obvious who gets the ward, George Miller told the story of Fury Road as only a master could.


From the multiples of stories that are told each year can it be true that the only best are these five? For writing and telling from another source, again it is Carol, Room, The Martian, The Big Short, and Brooklyn. Do The Oscars only watch one hands worth of movies each year? Perhaps that is why the people they pick for wards all look like War Boys? Ravin says give it The Martian for fighting the sand and surviving.

Original story is better. At least there are new worlds here. Straight Out of Compton, Inside Out and Ex Machina run of the road to Oscar Town, Ravin wondered how they made it. Bridge of Spies and Spotlight from the handful but decent all the same. Ravin says give the ward to Ex Machina. Machine girl makes us question what it means to be human.

For animated Ravin has Heartwarm for Inside Out, EOM.

All the wards the most don’t care about Fury Road will of course take; costume design, cinematography, film editing, makeup and hair styling, production design, sound editing, sound mixing, and visual effects. If not we will just gather a party of War Boys and take them.

The stories we tell over the sparks or put on the wall are part of what binds us as people. Wards to the people who tell the best stories has been tradition since way past. Ravin knows this ward doesn’t mean a bucket of water to a man in the desert but it is a ritual, a way of acknowledging hard work and destiny.  So be it, the words all shiny and chrome.


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About Peter Hill

Hunter of vinyl, lover of music, drinker of Guinness, causer of trouble and pounder of keyboard.

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