Iscariot: Chapter 2 – In which we meet Jesus of Nazareth, his brother James, Simon the Zealot, and Donny, one of King Herod’s slaves

This entry is part 2 of 20 in the series Iscariot

Hello everyone. My name is Philippe. I hope you enjoyed Chapter One of Iscariot. I sure as heck enjoyed writing it. That said, I’m sure you’re thinking, “Hi Philippe. You’re handsome. Also, if the story is called “Iscariot” then where is Judas?”

He’s in Chapter 3. Including many other chapters.

The reason he doesn’t show up yet is because this pile of nonsense started out as serious “historical” fiction based on the Gnostic Gospel of Judas. But the whole thing was getting intense and I was going through a rough break up. Also, my grandmother, who I’ve been taking care of for the last few years, died. (She was 101 and lived a very good life, but still. I was sad.) Being sad gets old quick, so I opted to try and write something that would make me laugh and here we are. Various silly conversations between biblical figures.

To come full circle, I had actually forgotten the original name of the book. I was reminded when Adam posted Chapter One. Long story short, I kept the name but Judas doesn’t show up until next time. But you know who does show up this week? Donny! Feel free to leave comments or feedback. Share and Enjoy!


Iscariot

Chapter 2

In which we meet Jesus of Nazareth, his brother James, Simon the Zealot, and Donny, one of King Herod’s slaves.

 
Jesus of Nazareth, the judge of Israel, messenger of the covenant, and door of the sheep (John 10:7) stood on a rock and spoke out. “James! Hey! Hi! JAAAAMES!”

“I don’t think he heard you. This crowd is downright throngish.”

“Verily, Simon the Zealot. James!!” Jesus waved his arms and raised his voice.

James finally looked up and saw his elder brother standing on the rock and jogged over. “What’s up bro? Other bro. Ye god. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the square this packed.”

“Right?” Jesus replied. “I never thought foot races could draw such a crowd. Still, here we are and the time for action is nigh. Before I give my sermon and while everyone is still here, I thought I’d do some miracles? There’s a woman named Kelsey coming who told me she was barren. So I’ll fix that and she’ll be fertile and preggers in jig time. Then there’s that woman you spoke of with epilepsy or something. I’ll fix that too. Then the race will end and I’ll preach the good word and afterward we can all get brunch at Alder’s.”

“Epilepsy?” asked Simon the Zealot.

“So her husband told me,” James replied.

“My aunt had that,” Simon the Zealot said, shaking his head. “It’s a real tragedy after a while because every time she passed out and had a fit, it did a little damage to her mind. When I was a kid, I remember her being really awesome, but after a while she just wasn’t the same person. Towards the end it was like my uncle was taking care of an extra child and she got kind of mean? But it doesn’t matter. I know that you’ll be able to cure her, Sir. You’re so wondrous and good.”

“Thank you, Simon.” Jesus replied before noticing a new comer was approaching his circle. “Oi. This guy,” he muttered to himself. “Father, give me the strength to love him.”

“Hey, Jesus,” the man said.

“Hi, Donny,” Jesus replied.

“Jesus, my master King Herod told me that he’s going to have you killed. And he also said that it wasn’t even going to cost any money because he has a whole bunch of house servants and soldiers and slaves and such who are willing to do anything for him. Including murdering a sham who says that he’s the son of God,” Donny explained with a smug look on his face.

“I never said I was the son of God, Donny. Now be a good fellow and run along. I’ve got a lot of work to do. Oh and if you see my wife, tell her that I’ll meet her after the sermon.”

The man took a deep breath and began to shout. “I’ll tell her that King Herod will cut off the all skin which surrounds your spine, break your ribs and point them upwards so that they resemble the blood stained wings of an eagle, and then he’ll pull your lungs out through the wounds in your back.”

“Piss off, Donny or you’ll feel the back of my hand!” James took a step towards the man who cringed, expecting a blow which James never delivered.

“Donny, I know that you’re a good person at heart. Just go tell Mary that I’ll find her after the crowd disperses, alright? And James? Seriously man, we’re trying to do something here with these people.”

“I’m not trying to scare him, I’m trying to teach him not to be a dick all the time. Seriously Donny. What was all that about breaking ribs? That sounded horrifying.”

“King Herod has employed new men of science to his retinue. Doctors and the like and they’ve been making very interesting breakthroughs in the ways of torturing infidels. Infidels who spread lies, and copulate, and then copulate while also spreading lies.”

James again raised his hand, “Last warning, prick.”

“Don’t lay your sinner hands on me!” Donny yelled before turning back to Jesus. “Hey Jesus, I don’t know where Mary is. So if you tell me I can go do what you asked.”

“Wild guess. She’s looking for Judas, and second wild guess, Judas is in a bar.”

Donny nodded and trotted off muttering to himself about torture.

“I don’t know why you let that guy talk to you like that, man,” James said.

“We are all lost sheep, James. Some more lost than others. Forgive him for he knows not what he does. (Luke 23:34) Come along, my friends,” Jesus announced. “It’s time to go cure some leprosy!”

“Epilepsy, my rose of Sharon.” (Song of Songs 2:1)

“Whatever. Let’s go and help the needy.”

With that, the little group walked off to go find a barren woman and a different woman who either had fits or whose skin was degrading.

Series Navigation<< Iscariot: Chapter 1 – In which we meet Pontius Pilate and learn about an obscure Goddess.Iscariot: Chapter 3 – In which Judas splits a bottle of wine with Mary Magdalene, daughter in law of the almighty. >>
Philippe L.

About Philippe L.

When not out exploring the stars with his good friend Hotblack Desiato, he makes his living here on Earth keeping other people’s money safe from the hands of thieves and spinning the occasional yarn.

He enjoys beer and coffee very much, but unfortunately he can’t eat shellfish or tomatoes.

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