Iscariot: Chapter 4 – In which we learn that Jesus is not scared of lightning. Also Kelsey, the formerly barren lady from Chapter 2, has become fertile and now it’s a whole thing.

This entry is part 4 of 20 in the series Iscariot

Hello everyone. It’s your cool pal, Philippe! What a crazy few weeks it’s been! We’ve been meeting people. People have been healed and murdered. No zombies yet, but one is coming soon. (I can’t imagine that that’s a spoiler per se, but you never know…It’s Jesus. That was a “Jesus is a zombie” joke.)

I have a few quick points.

1. I think I’m going to keep doing these introductions. Firstly, it makes it very easy to get up to the wordcount that my editor wanted per article. You have to give people that five minute experience and I wouldn’t want to short change anyone. Nor would I want to…over change? Tall change? I wouldn’t want to make it so long that it’s inaccessible. I want something that you can finish while waiting for a train, or using the bathroom. That’s the perfect length.

2. Regarding the formerly barren lady. I’m not saying that all women are baby crazy. That said, I HAVE noticed that people who have been told that they couldn’t have something their whole lives, go a bit crazy when they finally do get to have it. It’s like. You tell a kid that he can’t eat pizza and what’s the one thing they want? There’s a certain exuberance and joie de vivre that comes with it. They want that pizza, and Kelsey, the formerly barren woman, wants those babies. So that’s what that’s about.

Anyway, I’m going to go make a cocktail. Enjoy! Share on Facebook! And let me know if you know any publishers that are interested in having a big book burning in front of their offices. I have just the story for them. (It’s this one!) Hooray for fiction!


Chapter 4

In which we learn that Jesus is not scared of lightning. Also Kelsey, the formerly barren lady from Chapter 2, has become fertile and now it’s a whole thing.


“Well, look who it is!” Jesus said when he saw Judas and his son approaching. “How are you doing Menahem?”

“Tired,” Menahem said. “It’s a two hour ride to get out here.”

“He likes to complain,” Judas explained. “You’d have hated the old days, Mena. We used to walk everywhere. Shame about the weather though.”

The trio looked up at the overcast sky and could hear thunder in the distance.

“You’ll all feel better when we get down to the Dead Sea shore and get in the water,” Jesus said. “Simon the Zealot is here, as well as Peter and James and Mary. We also brought candied dates, though Simon finished those off a while ago.”

“Figures,” Judas said.

“But Mary made like, a million latkes with toga dressing, so we’ll be fine. Let’s go down to the water.”

The group began making their way across the sands and lo, Jesus spoke.

“This might be the last time I see it for a while,” Jesus explained. “Once the plan has reached fruition, I just can’t say when I’ll be back.”

“I was going to ask about that, Jesus,” Menahem began before being cut off.

“Please my friend, call me Uncle Jesus.”

“…Ok, then” Menahem began. “I was going to ask you about this plan, Uncle Jesus. Father explained it to me and while I get the concept of eternal life in a philosophical way, I’m not sure that your specific plan will help you or, any of us really, reach that end…exactly.”

“Well you see Menahem, not long ago, I spent a week in the barrens. And after the third day of my solitude, the dark lord Satan stumbled upon me. So we hung out a bit. And he’s not a bad guy exactly. Charming in his own way,” Jesus paused a moment while trying to think of the exact words required to describe the dark lord. “But sort of indifferent? Anyway, he brought me to a high mountain and showed me all of the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. He offered me the whole of the world if I would worship him,” Jesus said. (Matthew 4:8)


“But I told him to go away, so he took off someplace, whereupon some angels came and attended to me. I told them the plan and they thought it was pretty good,” Jesus explained.

“Well, what did you tell the angels to convince them? It’s just. The whole thing seems rather juvenile. I don’t see it accomplishing anything other than making the High Priest angry at us,” Menahem stated.

Thunder could be heard in the background but it was broadly ignored for the moment.

“Menahem, enough. I will explain it all again when we go home.” Judas spoke before looking out at his friends swimming in the sea. “Should everyone still be in the water? That lightning seems really close by.”

“You obviously don’t know anything about electrolytes and conductivity, Judas.” Jesus said. “I think it’s safer in the salt water than even being on the beach.”

“I don’t know from electrolytes, but I happen to know for a fact that if lightning strikes the Dead Sea and you’re nearby it fries you,” Judas replied.

“I don’t think that’s correct,” Jesus said.

“It damn well is correct. Remember what happened to Jonah son of Matthew the tax-collector?”

“Oh right. Eesh. That was nasty business,” Jesus said, remembering. “No sense letting it ruin a nice day, however. And there’s no reason to be fearful, o ye of little faith. Behold!” Jesus turned towards the sky and rebuked the winds and the sea and there was a great calm. (Matthew 8:26)

“Show off,” Judas said. “I thought your father didn’t approve of this sort of thing.”

“This was me protecting my flock.” Jesus replied. “It’s not showing off.”

Judas merely said, “Ah.”

“Stop being so sullen, Judas,” Jesus said, putting his arm around his friend. “You’re with friends and family, there’s food, and there’s swimming. Enjoy the good times while they last. There’s going to be darkness in the coming days, plus I have a sermon tomorrow and we all need to be as positive as we can.”

Judas smiled at his friend. “Oh, alright. Come along Menahem. Let’s go enjoy the sea.”

The little retinue continued their way along the wide stretch of sand until they could finally hear the wise words of the collected apostles. James, half brother (Sort of) to the Lord’s only begotten son, was speaking with a young lady with ample breasts, thighs, and a mess of curly red hair.

“Listen, you’re lovely and you seem a nice lady. But it feels a bit soon to be having this discussion,” James stated.

“You worry too much,” she replied. “I’m not asking for commitment or a husband. I’m just saying that you’re a fertile guy. Why not sow some of that seed and put a baby up inside of me?”

“Because we’ve only just met and we’re not married or even dating.”

“Nobody would have to know!” she yelled before looking up and seeing the newcomers. “Oh, hello. My name’s Kelsey. Nice to meet you.”

“Charmed. I am called Judas and this is my son Menahem.”

“Sup,” Menahem stated, trying to look cool yet failing in every way.

“Kelsey is one of the people I healed and sermoned to the other day before Prefect Pilate went all crazy go nuts,” Jesus explained. “Lo, she was barren. Upon approaching her, I did shout ‘Sing, oh barren one, who does not bear! Break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married!’” (Isaiah 54:1)

“Did you, now?”

“He did!” Kelsey interjected. “So now I’m looking to get some babies up inside of me, and fast. And I want like…All of the babies. And Jesus said I would have more if I was unmarried.”

“That’s not what I meant, Sister Kelsey. And what I did was give you the option. You’re welcome to now do whatever you want.”

“Well, what I want to do is make babies. Tell me, Menahem. Are you aware of how babies are made? Sub question if you’re not, would you like to know?”

Menahem gawked and blushed and upon seeing the look that Kelsey was now directing towards his son, Judas stepped between the two.

“I think he’s got the theory down and won’t need any more lessons today.”

“Alright, well I’m going to go hop in the water then. Let me know if you change your mind.” Kelsey said enthusiastically before traipsing off to the water’s edge and wading in.

“She seemed nice,” Menahem finally uttered.

“Yes, well.” Judas looked at his son. “Son, remind me that when we get home, we’re going to have a talk. About things.”

Menahem cringed a bit, but said, “Ok.”

“Right, well let’s get this beach party popping!” Jesus exclaimed and lo, the party did pop, and everyone had a pretty great time except for James who got a bad sunburn.

Series Navigation<< Iscariot: Chapter 3 – In which Judas splits a bottle of wine with Mary Magdalene, daughter in law of the almighty.Iscariot: Chapter 5 – In which we learn that just because you have love for all things, doesn’t mean you can’t get annoyed by certain peoples antics. >>

About Philippe L.

When not out exploring the stars with his good friend Hotblack Desiato, he makes his living here on Earth keeping other people's money safe from the hands of thieves and spinning the occasional yarn. He enjoys beer and coffee very much, but unfortunately he can't eat shellfish or tomatoes.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.