Iscariot: Chapter 6 – In which Menahem asks, “Are you there, God? It’s me, Menahem.”

This entry is part 6 of 20 in the series Iscariot

I learned all re girl puberty from Judy Blume. (This wasn’t exactly pre internet, but seriously, compared to what you can do now, it may as well have been.)

Re boys and by association myself, I learned a lot because of a hockey tournament in Canada. Previous to that, I had some nice times watching late night Cinemax and such, but that was nothing compared to the pornographic films available on the hotel television. After the tournament was done, (I believe we came in second through no fault of my own. I had three goals and two assists during that tourney.)

Anyway, my father (being the one who was footing the bill and thus had to pay for the hotel TV bill) discovered that I had rented the porn, but he didn’t want me to have a negative view of sex, so I was not punished. What happened was that he went out and bought some magazines for me, explained broadly what a lot of women like, pointed out on the pictures which lady bits were where, and which bits were more sensitive than other bits. Of course not all women like the same thing, but I had a somewhat working (though theoretical) knowledge of how sex worked, and how the majority of sex isn’t really for procreation, but why you might want to engage in a 69 anyway.

This chapter doesn’t go into too much explicit detail about lesbians, bondage, pubic hair style or any of the other myriad of subjects/positions that were broached during my own “sex talk”, but the point is that I assume parents have been having this conversation with their kids for thousands of years and it was funny and uncomfortable every time. Enjoy!


Iscariot

Chapter 6

Chapter 6. In which we learn all re puberty for boys in the same way that girls learned all re puberty from that book, “Are you there God, it’s me Margaret.” and…Oh wait
In which Menahem asks, “Are you there, God? It’s me, Menahem.”

 
“Son,” Judas began. “It’s getting dark. Light some candles and come sit by your father. I feel it’s time for you and I to have a discussion.”

Menahem did as he was told and began lighting candles. He was a little shaky, however as he and his father had been drinking wine for the better part of the afternoon.

“You’re ten years old, son. Almost a man in this day and age and it’s time I told you some things.”

“Is it about what everyone is planning on Passover?” Menahem asked.

“It is not. This is about being a man. Son, you may have noticed that your testicles have been growing larger and some hair may be growing in your loin cloth area.”

“Oh dear lord,” Menahem replied, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Frankly if you’re my son, they’ll grow much larger than most men’s. Testicles I mean.”

“Father, I…”

“You may also notice,” Judas continued, “that your penis is growing larger and when looking at women, you may grow larger still. Sometimes you’ll get an erection out of nowhere. Like…you’ll just be standing around and thinking about going for a swim, or doing geometry, and suddenly, Bam! Erection. This is totally normal and a well placed fold in your robes can hide it so that you don’t get embarrassed.”

“Ah.”

“We’ll no doubt have to start thinking about finding you a wife. Someone who will give you a large family and whom you can trust and grow old with.”

“Father, I have already gone through puberty. I’m sixteen, Mother arranged a marriage years ago to someone named…Emily, I think? And I’m well aware how one might use his robes to hide things. I need you to focus. We need to focus on this ill advised stunt.”

“Right, yes. Well. Good! We might need to cancel that Emily thing. What do you think about the ginger girl with the big tits?”

“Ok, apparently we’re pushing through with this.”

“No seriously, the fertile girl at the beach. What do you think of her? I saw the way she was looking at you. Hungry is the word I’d use to describe it. And you were checking her out as well.”

Menahem momentarily remembered the woman named Kelsey and he forgot about speaking reason to his father.

“Ah! That look right there. That’s the look you were giving her. You fancy her.”

“Well, ok. So what if I did. What does it matter?”

“So it turns out that her father is quite wealthy. The man has frankincense for days. Very large farms and no sons. Just a single daughter who was barren. So he kept upping the dowry because nobody would take her. But now she’s not barren, yet still has the insane dowry. You could marry her, have a bunch of kids, and several farms!”

“I thought you wanted me to follow in your footsteps and become an assassin?” Menahem replied.

“You can do more than one thing. Why shouldn’t you? I do more than one thing. It’s not all assassinations. I barely do those at all now. Shut up and pay attention. I’ve met with her father and apparently both he and Kelsey are very interested. The name Iscariot carries some amount of weight.”

“What about Emily?”

“Dude, what about her? Forget Emily. I mean. You’ve never met the girl, but you’ve met this Kelsey and the dowry is bigger, her breasts are larger, those hips were made for birthing babes and you’d be set for life. As would my no doubt many grandchildren. So what do you say?” Judas asked.

“I. I don’t know.”

“If you’re nervous that you won’t know what to do, I can explain everything. Behold this pictograph!” Judas said while unrolling a large piece of parchment.

“Ugh. Dad!”

“Now what we have here is a series of pictures representing the different ways that you and Kelsey could position yourself about each other’s person while having the sex.”

“I…how can you even do that one?” Menahem asked while pointing to an image.

“The “Randy Raft”? It’s all about Calisthenics, my boy. You’ll have to start stretching on the reg if you seek to please your new wife. Now tell me. What do you know about clitoral stimulation?”

“I…I don’t know anything about it,” Menahem lied. Though technically it wasn’t a lie. Menahem had heard various things about how children are made and what the vagina was and even various bits and pieces which worked in conjunction with said orifice. However a lot of the information was second hand from people who had no real idea either.

“Well you need to know how to make that thing your friend. Be kind to it, don’t put all of your focus there, but you musn’t neglect it. If you want to have children, the lady should want to have sex and if you can master pleasing her, she’ll want plenty. Believe me. Your mom is insatiable.”

“Seriously, Dad? Please don’t talk about Mom.”

“Alright, fine. Live in denial. But more than pleasing the girl, if you take a few easy steps, her vagina will become slightly engorged and wet, which makes the whole thing easier and more pleasurable for both you and her. And what you’ll be able to do, is take her from behind, while you’re both standing up at a window and looking out over the vast farmed acreage which you will control. Sex isn’t a bad thing, son. Sex can be a wonderful expression of love between two people. Or you know. Maybe you’re both just super horny. Either way, it’s great. I’ll set up the meeting. You’ll be engaged by next week and married by the end of the month.”

Menahem decided that he was as uncomfortable as he cared to be for one day and was desperate to change the subject. He opted to circle back to his previous topic. Far removed from any pictographs or Randy Rafts.

“You know what? None of this is important, I need you to focus. We need to focus on this Passover thing at the temple. We can worry about your grandchildren later.”

“The Passover thing is a just a quick way to rouse up the rabble. it’s only a small demonstration. It’s going to be fine,” Judas replied.

“It is not going to be fine. The high priest and the Romans crucify everyone for anything if it involves that temple. They crucify everyone for everything all the time. They’re going to call this little stunt an act of sedition and murder Jesus, you, Simon the Zealot, James the Greater and probably me if you start mucking about in the temple grounds.”

“Man, fuck the High Priest. That guy’s a dick.”

“He’s a dick that’s going to be like, fuck me? Oh no, no. Fuck you. I’m getting the Romans to nail you to a tree is what’s happening,” Menahem retorted. “And Jesus is going to all be like, ‘Man. Being cruicified sucks.’ And then the rest of us are going to say the same thing. Do you know why? I do. Because I’ve seen a whole bunch of people being crucified and it looks awful. And do you know how many grandchildren Kelsey and I are going to have if I’m nailed to a cross? Precisely zero. Ain’t none of these little pictographs show a man having kids from up on a damned cross!”

“You worry too much, son. I’m the best assassin in the whole city and everyone knows it. I have advertisements about it and everything. Which means that nobody would try to come at me, lest I go at them and win,” Judas said. He slid off his chair and lied down on the floor “I think I have the spins a little bit. I’m a go to sleep. Everything will be fine,” he said trailing off. “All is good.”

Series Navigation<< Iscariot: Chapter 5 – In which we learn that just because you have love for all things, doesn’t mean you can’t get annoyed by certain peoples antics.Iscariot: Chapter 7 – In which Pontius Pilate learns who King Herod is and what King Herod do. >>
Philippe L.

About Philippe L.

When not out exploring the stars with his good friend Hotblack Desiato, he makes his living here on Earth keeping other people's money safe from the hands of thieves and spinning the occasional yarn. He enjoys beer and coffee very much, but unfortunately he can't eat shellfish or tomatoes.

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