Eurovision 2017: Finals

Here we are. Everything that we’ve been preparing for, for the past two evening spread across this pas week, have come to a head. This Eurovision competition, part American Idol, part Olympics, Part UN, and part Hunger Games, is all for this. Tonight’s new competitors are the biggest sponsors (UK, Italy, Spain, Germany, and France), as well as the Ukrainian host country. Everyone else is reprising their song to win the hearts, minds, and votes of Europe.

Italy – Francesco Gabbani – “Occidentali’s Karma”

An explosion of rainbows, evolution, a gorilla costume, mediation, and mediocre choreography. This is something out of a Harambe themed Bar Mitzvah. This was the front-runner to win?

Spain – Manel Navarro – “Do It for Your Lover”

This is a cheap Bruno Mars rip off. The title of this song and Hawaiian shirts tells you all you need to know.

United Kingdom – Lucie Jones – “Never Give Up on You”

Intense. So intense. She’s gone from emote to full on ugly Idina Menzel face. Solid vocals, forgettable song, and that makes for a mixed performance. Talented enough to place, but not memorable enough to win.

Germany – Levina – “Perfect Life”

Well… her hair is certainly on point. Competent vocals but she never stretches her range. The song is basic pop that could be played at high school graduation parties. Her dress looked like it was from Star Trek: The Next Generation, so that was cool. Also, I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen a German smile so much.

Ukraine – O.Torvald – “Time”

These guys look terrifying. Like a Romulan punk band. To add to it, they are singing around Master Control from the end of Tron. Musically they have just caught up to 1999, but do it competently. If that’s what you’re looking for. The biggest wasted opportunity was to not projection map the head to sing, but perhaps it knew if it did that someone would throw their identity disc into its mouth and defeat it.

France – Alma – “Requiem”

Other than the actual language. the song does not seem French at all. Maybe Spanish? However, I was very interested in watching the movie playing behind her, and then Allison pointed out that it was probably Inception.

And the winner is Portugal’s adorable little crooner! Congratulations to Portugal and Salvador Sobral, for Portugal’s first win ever!

About Adam

Adam is a Jewish American who's sick of the white Christian male being America's "default" setting. For money he works in a public library because free books and information access are wonderful things. For love he writes here for his pet project, The Chaotic Neutral, which is always looking for more writers. You can follow him on Instagram, Goodreads, and at his oft neglected Twitter where he will try to post more, and probably live-tweet the Eurovision Song Contest.

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